constantly learning

I absolutely adore my sister. I am very glad that she is here, and I think it will be even better throughout the semester to have one of my best friends here. She is fitting in quite nicely. My roommates like her, her roommates like her, and she is enjoying it very much.

I almost envy her start here. Not that I'm someone great or anything, but she at least knows me, and already knew some of my friends before she started here, so she eased in quite nicely. I started here not knowing a soul, except from phone conversations to and from my enrollment counselor. I had the opportunity to start anew, but I had a lot of things to learn in this time. I had to find my own church, find a way of working where I could at least walk there if no one was there to drive me, and become someone who can meet new people and find a sense of belonging.

I have always struggled with belonging. I am easily intimidated, and usually feel like everyone else in the vacinity of me is a lot more intelligent than me. The many times that happens, I usually get really quiet, which may seem to others that I am an introvert. I am an introvert in uncomfortable situations, or when I don't feel intelligent enough to contribute to conversation. I am an extrovert when I can be myself fully, and not caring about what others think. In essence, I am what they call an "ambivert" which is a combination of the two. When I'm with others, I try to find conversation that is equal, in which we can both contribute, instead of ranting about how rhythm defines and is the key to Beethoven's 5th. Anyway, this is a huge rabbit's trail to what I was originally going to say, so I'm going to get back on track (that was my self-diagnosed ADD talking).

My sister (Sarah) is someone who can be herself in almost any situation. She is not afraid to speak her mind, and what others think do not effect who she is. Sometimes I think she should be older than me, because she really takes care of me. When I have a battle to fight, and I'd rather not contribute, Sarah is right there to help me. Sometimes, I wonder if she should have been at this school before me. She is so good at being who she is, and she could've helped me with my insecurities as I entered college life. It took me a while to find a place of belonging here, not because I wasn't welcome, but because I was reluctant to put myself out there, in fear of being shot down. Sarah could have been there to encourage me like she does, and she unverbally always lets me know that I am ok just the way I am (we usually stay away from the mushy stuff).

But...even though it seems like Sarah should be the older sister...I am. God has been putting these very uncomfortable situations in my path to show me that I can lean on him, and he will bring me through it...maybe even make a leader out of me one day. He is teaching me to be assertive in a proper way, and I am hopefully becoming the person I was set out to be. I have been out of my comfort zone a great deal this year, and I just want God to "bring it on", because I'd rather be in an uncomfotable place with God's presence than to be in a place "where everybody knows my name" and not have God.