The beginning of this year brought a lot of changes in my life; some I have had to learn to cope with, and other changes I happily welcomed. It's amazing what can happen in such a short amount of time, and what can be learned from it.
My life has been altered in a way I could never have imagined, because things like this always happen to other people, and out of my realm of acquaintance. I have been taught my entire life that God brings trials to us because in His will, good can come out of what may at first seem bad. I have been taught that He would never give us more than we can endure, and that He would be with us along the way, guiding, helping, and protecting us as only a Father can do. James talks about how trials bring about the testing of our faith which developes perseverance. I have been taught all of this, and still, it seems like nothing prepared me for what came about this year.
Outwardly, I took the news of my diagnosis well, trying hard to be as strong as I could for my family. I did not want to question God's will. I knew that something would eventually be fulfilled through my trial, that could only be fulfilled by me going through this ordeal. Inwardly, I was a wreck. I knew all of these things, and yet, I was as scared as I could be. All along, I knew that God would protect me and be right alongside of me through this, but I still didn't know how to handle it. I did what I used to do best: bottled everything up inside.
I struggled earlier in my life with my identity and purpose, so it was hard for me to be myself. I kept all of my feelings inside of me, because I thought I was so much different than everyone else. I had some people along my way that helped me realize that it's ok to be myself, and I am more like others than I had thought (this is a whole different post though). I became comfortable with showing emotion, but this was different for me. I was almost afraid to be sad, because for some reason, I thought that it would show weakness, and that it would show that I didn't trust God, and his purpose for my life. When God created us, he didn't make us to be robots. He gave us emotion, so that we would use it. Emotion can be wonderful. When we praise God for who He is and what He's done, emotion is used. When a woman becomes a mother for the first time, emotion is used. When someone finds out that they have cancer....it is OK to show emotion. It is ok to be sad and worried, and it's not lack of faith to have these feelings. It took me a while to see all of this, but I'm glad that God showed me in a way that best pertains to me. We serve an amazing God. He knows the best way to get through each and every one of us, and I'm glad He got through to me.
I don't really know what this post was set out to be. I don't know if it makes sense to anyone but me, but maybe someone else (if there's anyone who's made it this far) needed to hear whatever point I have made in this.
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